Turbulence

Coming back from Spring Break, another trip taken by the just girls and me, this time to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, only minutes from take off, we unexpectedly and without warning hit a dangerous moment of turbulence that sent the plane into a sudden free fall.  Passengers were screaming, some crying, and anyone not belted in, anything not bolted down, went flying about the cabin.  My girls, thanks to a paranoid mama were tightly secured, but I still felt compelled to throw myself across their laps to be ensure their safety.  Lily looked me in my eyes, almost through me and said, "This is bad, really bad."  She was terrified.  She understood on some soul level that we were outside of an everyday human experience.  I felt her in that moment.  With senses heightened I saw the bright light of the sun reflecting off of the clouds.  I felt the air go cold and purple and I was absolutely terrified.  I said a silent prayer to my Creator and begged him not to "take us from my husband after he just lost his mother."  Never had I been so fearful for my life or the lives of my children.  I told them so.  "I love you so, girls, and Mommy is a little scared.  Let's just hold onto each other." 


 Moments later there was control, I will not say that it was smooth sailing because the entire flight was rough, but I felt that we were out of imminent danger.  I watched the girls a little longer than usual after that, looked into their faces, saw their interaction and prayed for as much time as any mother could hope for with them.  I smelled them, really breathed them in, and let my love for them fill me.   It stopped the tears. 


Out of nowhere the atmosphere was rough, with no safe place, nowhere to hide or go for safety.  There was turbulence and all was knocked off balance.  In that moment, I reached for my family, for those I loved.  I prayed for us, cried a little, and thought and believed that at least we were together.  Would that I could do the same when the shakiness is just a metaphor, when it is just the uncertainty of life's tiny stink bombs and funhouse mirrors distorting the truth that have me off kilter.  In just the split second of the free fall all I could think about was life in the grandest sense not in its miserably small and pathetic details of wrongs, slights,misdeeds, and mistakes. 


I have often defined myself in relation to fear.  Whether I considered myself fearless, fearful, terrified, frightened, scared, or freaked,it has been the thought of fear that dominated and overwhelmed.   Even when I loved, fear lurked in the shadows causing me to doubt that love could ever be mine, in all scenarios and circumstances.  Even in love I wondered if it were truly possible that it wouldn't be taken away.  It's not easy to say that, but it is true.  Right now, as the people are young and close and tethered to me at the heart, I have no doubt of my love for them nor theirs for me.  The shaky, uncertain, terrifying turbulence of our flight showed me this.  Here is hoping that in the shaky, uncertain, terrifying turbulence of my life  it can be the same.