There is a big difference between teaching one's children that they are special as in relevant, important, valuable, and just all-around awesome, and letting them believe that their being called special makes them the most relevant, most important, most valuable, only awesome human being on the face of the earth. I have witnessed, of late, too much of the latter. My girls know just how special they are to me and their father, their extended family, and their friends. They make no assumptions about how important they are to others, accepting that their behavior and how much fun they are to be with will determine if they are successful in their playground, swimming pool, and playdate excursions. We have been loving but strict in our raising of the people because we have accepted that the responsibility of raising our children, helping them develop into kind, considerate, open, loving, welcoming, empathetic adults begins with us. There is no getting around it. The buck stops with us. While we have been blessed with wonderful teachers, caregivers, and neighbors who lend a hand in keeping the girls on the straight path, at the end of the day I have no one to answer to but myself. That's the hard part. That's being a good, attentive, conscientious parent.
The conversation often starts like this. "Your girls are so nice, so well behaved. It's different with boys. Boys are wild. You can't hold them to anything. Just have to get them outside and let them burn off all of that testosterone." I don't have any boys but I don't accept that what their parents say is true. Or like this. "She just doesn't think we are that cool. She's always rolling her eyes when we come up with things to do together." The truth is, we are asking different questions of ourselves as parents and are certainly demanding different things of our children, if we are even asking questions at all. I keep hearing my contemporaries say things like, "My kids don't listen to me. He is always telling me what to do. So and so will go ape shit if I don't buy such and such for him/do something or other for him/be whatever to him." Yeah, no. The center of our personal universe cannot be the little sun gods and goddesses unless we want to continue to populate our planet with self-absorbed, inconsiderate children who don't grow up, cannot empathize with others, and have little respect for themselves or anyone else.
Don't get me wrong. My people are my sun, moon, and stars and they too work daily at beating me down into submission. It's almost a profession to them. I still want them to have whatever it is I can give them, to see whatever it is I can show them, to do whatever it is I can offer them. But a little perspective. They are aware that I am doing for them and they respect my efforts, at least they are learning to. They do not believe under any circumstances that everything they get is a right or worse that they are so special that they deserve it while some other child is not and does not. They are learning from me with kindness and love that there are indeed other people on earth besides themselves with needs, desires, dreams, loves, etc. I say with kindness and love because I, in no way, wish to humiliate them into recognizing others, nor do I wish to impose on them rules that they cannot fully comprehend. I won't yell at them or force them to give something up. I want them to know it within themselves that we are connected to everyone else and that we give as a desire to fulfill our souls as well as to bring joy to others, that we care in order than no one feels unimportant or alienated, and that doing so brings joy back to us.
I recall months back a commencement speaker who told a class of graduating seniors in Wellesley, Massachusetts that they were not special. Mr. David McCullough, Jr. was not just telling these kids that they were not special, that they were not important, that they did not count. In fact, he was telling them that they had a responsibility to live up to all they'd been given as a privileged lot "pampered, cosseted, doted upon, helmeted, bubble-wrapped." He also encouraged living life for one's self, not for the approval or accolades from others, to find inner strength and guidance. It was, to many minds, long overdue and a good dose of reality for the best and brightest of just one community. As Mr. McCullough stated, even if you are one in a million, there are still nearly 7000 just like you. Do something. Get out there and prove it. Get out of your own head, out of your fantasy, and get out there.
Though I could have used a bit of a pump up at times as a kid and maybe a "Whoot, whoot!" when I achieved something beyond my sense of myself, I respect and appreciate this message. The commendations and celebratory gestures cannot come with such frequency as to render them moot. We pay a lot of lip service but often shy away from the complete commitment to teaching, leading, and guiding our people. Every act isn't stellar, every attempt is not a win. Encouragement is meant to point our children in the direction of achieving in whatever arena. Identifying others' feelings and perspectives is tantamount to eventually giving a shit about anyone but one's self. Watching Lily patiently wait for a friend to learn a new skill, egging her on, offering her words of support makes me so proud. She wants success not only for herself, but for a friend.
We need to start thinking about the messages we send kids and how we send them. Words of encouragement like, "You can do it," "you can do anything you put your mind to," or "Keep it up, keep it up. Practice makes perfect," let kids see that there is work to put into things they want to achieve in life. Then we have to let them strive for the goal on their own. We are there for support, but the goal should be theirs to reach. When Lily was shy to read aloud, I caught myself willing her to do it so desperately that my energy around her and this issue felt overwhelming and pushy. I stopped and asked myself, "What if she is not the best reader in the kindergarten? Do I really think this is going to affect the entire outcome of her life?" I remember being pushed in school to achieve and excel, even in areas in which I had little interest. I want Lily and Virginie to get a sense of themselves and what they like, to do it with safe parameters, and with my guidance. But I do want them to feel that sense of achievement when all the right tools, guidance, and their intelligence and efforts come together. That is special.
We need to encourage our children to consider the other people around them, especially when they are getting snot-nosed, indignant, aggressive, and bratty. I hear lots of conversation about "how do you think that makes so and so feel?" but I don't see the commitment to helping the child understand. They get lip-service and they absolutely understand when you are committed to what you are saying, what you mean. We cannot be surprised if our kids are disrespectful, bored, entitled, and spoiled without taking a look at how we are engaging with them, how we talk to them, and what we expect of them. If we expect nothing, other than that they be special, then we will have to live with the outcome. If they are telling us to shut up, that they are mad at us for any "indiscretion", or if we let them dictate how they would like us to behave in their presence without explaining the differences between adults and children, the expectations of adults and children, what is required to have peace in one's home replete with respect for self and others, we can only imagine how they are treating others. And we should feel responsible.
An impressively intelligent, precocious child, a prodigy, an athletically gifted youngster should still know that his or her gifts are a wonderful blessing but do not excuse him from the rules of kindness and decency. Everyone is indeed special. And a compassionate, loving, and gifted person can change the world.
(C) Copyright 2012. Repatriated Mama: Back to the Suburban Grind.
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