Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have just announced that after nearly eleven years of wedded bliss, they were "consciously uncoupling." For many people, the terminology was confounding and for many others, ridiculous. For me too, and I love all that esoteric, spiritual, evolutionary stuff. But separating, divorcing, especially with children in the mix is such a painful undertaking, this from someone who has only had breakups with boyfriends, that a perfectly civilized, seemingly emotionally neutral experience where two beautiful people express thanks for the wonderful life shared and kiss and go on their way acknowledging with gratitude and loving praise sounds awesome.
I think these two were damned if they did and damned if they didn't. Had the split been acrimonious and venomous involving cheating or abuse, there would have been chatter too. Because she often puts her properly pedicured foot in her oil-pulled, mint-chewing, Goopy mouth by talking about how the little people live (having, of course, no idea how we live), trying to stay spiritually bonded and physically untangle from her hubby, she is a yellow circle on the middle of the target in a crowd full of Katniss sharp shooters. I get it. She says stupid shit, really disconnected crap that makes her look like a real spoiled ass and seems like she thinks she is above us all and yet I am still sympathetic. I don't say so to try to convince others to feel as I do. That's not my point. Often, when I have hurt, been blinded by the direction of my life and my responsibility to it, I have lied to myself, convinced myself that my own perspective is right, that no one else has lived my experience, that no one else understands. I have tried to present painful experiences as better than they really are, have run from the quiet moments when I am left alone with myself and my reality. I have explained to anyone who will listen that no one has ever had it as bad as I, no one has every endured the way that I have, that the suffering is too much, if only people would understand. And then I come back to reality.
Gwyneth Paltrow is such an easy target because she appears to have everything, because she preaches an understanding of our interconnectedness, of an exalted human transcendence, and then completely misses the mark about how others live, because the reality she comes back to does not give her authority to speak to "everyone else." She's a human being. An incredibly spoiled, pampered woman, but a human being all the same. I forgive her her stupid remarks and complete disconnect from what the rest of us call reality because she believes strongly in her reality, is so committed to it that she cannot see the forest for the trees. She is going through a divorce, no matter what she calls it and that shit hurts. A part of me believes that she feels some sense of shame and failure around it, hurt and embarrassment, what many feel when they cannot save their relationships, and is trying to reframe it for herself. We are all just going along for the ride because she is a public figure. It really is a moment for privacy.
This past year I have seen a number of couples split or come close. I witnessed the hideous and contentious divorce of my husband that dragged on even as our relationship was forming. When you dig in with someone, plant seeds and set down roots, pulling up the flowers rather than seeing them bloom, can be disappointing and disorienting and traumatic. When forced to change the life your children have come to know and to expect, in which they have found comfort, joy, and consistency, one must find strength and courage and see hope at the end of that journey. Selling the house, new, separate homes, new rooms for the kids, starting over. Starting OVER. Conscious uncoupling sounds like a more suitable way to untangle than split, separate, or divorce, and the concept, though new to me until this week, does have its appeal.
Coupling, taking chances and risks, raising children, dealing with the day to day of that can wear down partnerships and change their shape. What was once romantic and energetic can seem mundane, tired, even painful. Most of us assume that this is the natural pattern of relationships. Perhaps it is, but perhaps there is some truth in a relationship running the full course, that it becomes platonic, comfortable, or stagnant. Perhaps it makes sense for a partnership to change shape or form. And maybe you are supposed to stay in it for the long haul and ride the ebb and flow, peaks and valleys that all long-term relationships present. I don't have the answers, none at all. But I imagine the experience of divorce, separating, consciously uncoupling, just like slogging through the wicked bad times to get to the other side is a personal choice. One we can only hope to live privately with some level of dignity, respect, and compassion.
Long ago when I was still searching for love and was completely unable to believe that it would ever happen for me, I would go on dates, meet men through friends or even just walking on the street and after many dates, I would talk to a friend who'd remind me when another "date" failed to make an impression, another connection failed, that "this person was someone else's, had another journey to make." I took comfort in that. Found solace in other destinies, possibilities. Maybe in conscious uncoupling, letting go with gratitude and kindness, walking a new path will be less littered with hurt, pain, and fear. Maybe. I hope so.
(c) Copyright 2014. Repatriated Mama: Back to the Suburban Grind.
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